Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Animals!

Some movie characters hate animals. For example, Indiana Jones hates snakes, which makes sense, due to some traumatic encounters with them throughout his adventures.  Similarly, most of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s characters hate every animal, ever. I started to notice this more and more, so I decided to compile a guide to all of Arnold’s animal battles before PETA does.

Let’s look at one of Arnold’s earliest movies, Conan the Barbarian. Released in 1982, the film tells the story of Conan, a young warrior out for vengeance. I could probably write an essay simply about Conan the Barbarian and his encounters with and relationship to animals. His dad warns him that he can’t trust beasts (among other things). His dad is later killed by attack dogs, go figure. Conan’s a slave and gladiator throughout his entire childhood and formative years, and when he’s finally freed, wolves (or maybe stray dogs) chase after him. Conan, hiding from the wolves in a cave, discovers a sword, which seemingly gives him the courage to leave the cave, despite the wolves.

Later in the film, Arnold, as Conan, is high and stumbling around a village with his buddy, when he comes across a camel that was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Shit gets real when Arnold punches the camel in the face. This is kind of where the animal violence in Arnold’s career really takes off.

Later still, Conan is tied up and left to die by the villainous Thulsa Doom, who was responsible for the death of his father and personally killed his mother. A vulture spots Conan and decides it wants a little Snackanegger. The warrior isn’t quite dead yet, though, and when the vulture strikes, Conan straight up bites a chunk out of its throat.

Later, in 1984’s Conan the Destroyer, Conan again comes across a camel, and this one spits in his face! This enrages Conan and he has to show the camel who’s boss by bashing it over the head. The funny part here is that, Conan’s companion Malak, who wasn’t even in the first film, brings the camel to Conan’s attention. “Doesn’t that animal look familiar?” he asks. Now bear with me - this means that Conan either a) told Malak about the time that he punched a camel in the face and Malak just constantly assumes that every  random camel is the one from Conan’s story or, more believably, b) before Destroyer, Conan punched the same camel a different time with Malak as a witness. And if this is the same camel from the first film, it means that Conan punches the same camel in the face at least three separate times. Although plans for Conan the Camel Puncher didn’t pan out, a reboot featuring Game of Thrones’ Jason Momoa as Conan will hit theaters later this year. Will Momoa’s Conan carry on the camel punching tradition?

Let’s leave Conan and fast forward to a film known as True Lies (1994). Arnold plays a spy named Harry Tasker, hiding his job from wife Jamie Lee Curtis. Tasker is fleeing from some bad guys early in the film when said bad guys release the hounds. Bad news for the hounds! Agent Tasker makes quick work of the canines by bashing them together.

True Lies features one of the few times Arnold teams up with a horse. The terrorist he was chasing rides his motorcycle off of a building and into a pool to escape (good plan!), but when Agent Tasker tries to ride a police horse that he stole off that same building (better plan!), the horse chickens out. Agent Tasker berates and lectures the horse on proper police work afterwards, so order is restored.

In a film called Eraser (1996), Arnold is U.S. Marshall John Kruger, who helps his clients “erase” their identities when the shit hits the fan and they need new ones (identities, not fans). Kruger has to rescue his client at their secret meeting spot, which is a zoo. Our hero obviously picked this spot because he was hoping to abuse some animals if the opportunity ever presented itself. Bingo. Alligators get loose and Kruger kicks one in the face and then shoots it.

Arnold does have one true blue animal friend – his pet ferret in Kindergarten Cop (1990). In the film, Arnold, as DETECTIVE JOHN KIMBLE!!! is undercover at an elementary school as part of a case. At the end of the film, when the bad guy is holding his own young son hostage (it’s also the son of Kimble’s love interest – the bad guy’s thinking here was wrong on so many levels), Kimble’s ferret buddy, who had been cleverly hiding in the kid’s clothes the whole time, bites the bad guy on the hand, distracting him long enough for Kimble to strike. Thanks to his ferret friend, Kimble saves the day and the movie concludes with a happy ending.

But Arnold’s animal bloodlust goes on and on. In Predator (1987), Arnold, as military unit leader Dutch, kills the titular alien, which is sort of an animal (and Mac, a sergeant under Dutch’s command, seemingly hating animals almost as much as Dutch, kills a scorpion and a wild boar). In Jingle All The Way (1996), everyone’s favorite Arnold film, The Austrian Oak punches a reindeer in the face (not quite a camel but it’ll do) during his quest to get his son the hottest Christmas toy of the season.

Arnold’s hit a rough patch recently – since completing his reign as Governor of California, he decided to start making some movies again, anxious to fight some more animals. But when word dropped that he fathered a love child with his maid, Arnold put all of his film projects on hold. Hopefully he’ll recover soon so we can watch him ride off in to the sunset on another stolen police horse, his ferret buddy hiding in his clothes, daydreaming of all the animals and villains they’ll fight together.